Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
