the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think my mom watched the whole time
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
