I look better un-naked...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just found puke in my bra..
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
