my phone needs a breathalizer
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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