I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
