2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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