I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
