I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
