Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
