FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
