Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
