I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
