i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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