what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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