First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
