Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
