I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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