So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
