Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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