Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
