he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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