his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My feet surprised me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
