Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
