1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Too much gin, very little bucket
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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