the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
