Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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