highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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