I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
