Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
