I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
