just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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