she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
