i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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