its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
