two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
How's work?
Spinning.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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