So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
