woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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