How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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