I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
