i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
