when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
