I never want to see another naked old woman again.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
