you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
