He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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