so that wasnt chicken after all
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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