Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
