He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
