I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
