I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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