Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
