I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
