so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
