Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
