you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
