after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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