The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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